There will be tears

I sit here in my chair, in front of my computer, like always -- but it is not like usual. Today is a day of pure nervousness and total fear. Today is my greatest hope and worst nightmare.

Let me depict the scene: Windows Media Player is currently nearing the 2 hour 30 minute mark in playing yesterday's press conferences. So I've spent at least that time doing nothing but thinking about the game (more when you consider I toggle back to replay certain questions and answers). Which is no different than usual; last night I went to bed at 2, tossed and turned and analyzed and overanalyzed and finally fell asleep at 530 -- and dreamed about the game. I can't escape it, and don't really try. Most of my thoughts are not what you would consider good or positive -- pretty sure I swing toward the unstable stage on the spectrum of emotional health. I must have a morbid fascination with picturing every conceivable doomsday scenario.

As well, the peculiarities continue with the fact that I have my glasses on, refusing to put my contacts in until shorty before game time. Why? I don't know. No reason, really.

I have decided not to eat today. At all. I have spent agonizing hours pondering an away message that won't adversely jinx our team. Santa Clara basketball shorts adorn my lower region -- don't ask me about how they are good luck, but they are. (I pray).

(Speaking of praying, there have been hundreds of times where I almost start to pray, before my sanity kicks in and reminds me of the credo I have always lived by, which maintains that I hate people that pray about such things. And that includes people -- unlike me -- who are actually involved in the game. For one, I don't think God cares about a sporting event, and if He does, then he's already decided what's gonna happen, which means a mere peon like myself insults Him in asking for anything. Note: praying for certain things -- strength, courage, you get the idea -- that's acceptable under my credo. And if I've offended any of those of you who have prayed about this, I don't really apologize. Yes, this day sees me a little ornery as well.)

Also I have not shaven since Thursday, and my patchy stubble looks, to put it nicely, horrendous. I am trying to decide exactly where to watch the game, which leads to making outrageous demands about how many people can be allowed and what sort of discussion can be permitted. And now, I am going to go continue my absurdities, whatever they may be, away from the keyboard. At some point, I may even get dressed.

I have given up trying to be understood.


It's been four years since I've cried, but tonight

there will be tears.