I couldn't say it better myself, so

"Oh That's A Yellow Card, Sugar"

I would love to have this guy ref my game, no matter the sport. What fun.

(p.s. deadspin rocks. Thanks, Bobby)

J.J. Jumper?

You have to be froggin' kidding me.

Yup, apparently this is the NCAA's mascot for the tournament. Now, I may have been hiding under a rock, but am I particularly conspiratorial (no idea if that's the right word) in expressing doubts about the name? Maybe this...thing...has existed forever -- or did he just appear magically the same year as the Prophecy of Golden Boy is coming to fulfillment? I fucking hate the blatant, NOT EVEN FREAKING HIDDEN favoritism, regardless of whether there is any merit in this particular instance.

One thing's for sure: if they were trying to conjure images of that fucktard from dook, they came pretty darn close on the douchebag index.

Monstrous sunglasses

Yeah they're de moda. Yeah, it's hip. Stylish. En vogue. Whatever.

I'll tell you what: bullshit.

I am going to laugh so hard in 30 years when you look back at these pictures of monstrosities covering 3/4 of your face (to what end? I think the idea is to keep sun from getting into your EYES) and cower in shame. But here's the real joke. You look like that right now. Yeah, you look silly. Downright ridiculous. Even if everyone else plays along, I don't. You walk past me and I laugh. I laugh at you and your inability to see the fool you are so willingly making of yourself.

I mean seriously, look at yourself. If you can see around those things.

Facebook Livin

we got both a hip-hop track (including a whack play-out), and a pretty lame popish version

but they've got some good lines ("so we slept together. It seemed like the right thing to do," "now I've got friends of every racebook."

it was only a matter of time...

Riotous Brokeback Mountain

(this is even more hilarious considering the context I first seen it in, that is, after my middle-aged, openly gay boss called me into his office to show it to me....AWKWARD -- but still supremely funny)

Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963

WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK THREE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y

WEEK FOUR
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y

WEEK FIVE
Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco


If you aren't laughing, I can't help you.

Half the 'stache, half the player

somehow I forgot to tell this story a few weeks ago (when Gonzaga played at Santa Clara), but that sketchy motherfucker is my best friend (he goes to Santa Clara) and that line on his sign belongs to my creative genius (I actually thought it was rather lame). Anyways, his sketchiness attracted both an AP photographer and a ESPN.com columnist (pretty cool story for your kids I guess: "one time, when I was in college, I looked so dirty with my shitstache that...), but I'm sad to say it doesn't quite compare to this gem:

To: Adam Morrison
From: Adam Morrison's Mustache

Dude, you know I love you, but I think we should see other people. No, it's not you... It's me. I'm just not where I need to be in order to make this relationship work. No, this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that all the other mustaches make fun of me. This is something I just have to do. For me. Fine, I won't lie to you Adam, it does hurt when Jake Plummer and Tom Selleck's mustache ask if the other half of me is on layaway. Or when Bill Cowher's mustache asks to see my ID whenever I try to get a drink at the bar. But that's not why I'm doing this. Next year you're going to be in the NBA. Where do I fit into your plans? Larry Bird shaved off his wispy 'stache a few years into his career. Is that what you're planning on doing with me? Maybe it is a pre-emptive strike, Adam, but what do you expect? I see the way you look at other mustaches. I know you've been searching the internet for black market Propecia and Rogaine samples. You thought I was sleeping, but I wasn't. Do you know how much that hurts? After all we've been through? I've stuck by you even when Dan Dickau has drunk-dialed me late at night and offered me a first-class plane ticket to meet him out in Boston. Did I go? No, I stayed with you, Adam. But I can't do that any more. It's time. I really wanna work this out, but I don't think you're gonna change. I do, but you don't, think it's best we go our separate ways. And yes, you can have your Usher CD back.

This and more Valentine's Day hilarity can be found here

tonight

the best show in the world goes off the air

you better watch it, but you won't, and that's why it's going off the air

also, this is cool

British genius

gonna write in American. Wonder if we (general U.S. populace get it, or if it can compare to his previous masterpieces.

can't wait.


oh yeah, beat the fuck out of dook, Tar Heels!

Dave on Oprah

In case you missed it.

So, is he normal or crazy?

Why even watch the game?

(well, I didn't really)

Google has GOT YOUR BACK. Life is getting too easy.

Why Wake Sucks: A Possible Explanation

I was very confused as to what [Miami] was running. They were switching up on me, from a 1-3-1 to a [2-3] zone to a man.
Coach was calling man plays but they were in a zone, and calling zone plays when they were in a man. I was really confused. We were just trying to make plays, and when you try to make plays you take tough shots.
- Wake Forest PG Harvey Hale after Wake's loss at Miami

More hilarity about Skip's idadequacies and a Keanu Reeves comparison

An Agreement Has Been Reached

credit for all hilarity goes to my man DelMarHeel:

Greensboro, NC -- Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner John Swofford announced today that a foul is tentatively scheduled to be called against Duke sometime in the first half of their game with UNC in Chapel Hill, next Tuesday, February 7th.

In a joint press conference with Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski, and ACC Director of Officials John Clougherty, Swofford said an agreement had been reached for a touch foul to be whistled on as-yet-to-be-determined Blue Devil player around the 7:00 minute mark during the first half of the game at the Smith Center.

"We are very excited to arrange something that hasn't been seen in our conference since 1978," said Swofford. "I want to personally commend Mike {Krzyzewski} for agreeing to this uncoventional deal. We all know how reluctant he has been to allow any calls to go against his team."

Krzyzewski insisted that this move was purely a gesture of generosity aimed at rehabilitating his public image in light of recent lip-synching fiascos during several nationally televised games. "The camera did not catch me really uttering the BS-word during my argument with the official the other night. Those really were my lips moving but I wasn't really yelling the word. I'm sure our fans will understand."

"Mike is being a really good sport about this," noted UNC coach Roy Williams. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to play them with a foul being called against their squad, and to have it happen here in front of the home crowd will be especially enjoyable for our fans."

Clougherty says that unless unforeseen intimidation happens during the game, that the scheduled foul should occur without a hitch. "It all depends on whether Coach K holds up his end of the bargain and promises not to harrass our crew that evening."

Clougherty also said not to expect any more fouls to be called against Duke this season, but did not rule out the possibility of another one being called in an exhibition game in November 2006. "The Duke AD told me that they are trying to schedule Marathon Oil for a pre-season game next year and we are in discussions about perhaps calling another foul against Duke in that match-up if everyone can come to terms."

The officiating crew for the Duke vs. UNC game will not be announced publicly prior to the game in order to protect their privacy. Swofford said he anticipated a media barrage and did not want the referees to be distracted from their big task at hand. "This is a big deal and a momentous occasion for the league. We need our employees to remain focused so that they can complete their jobs in what could end up being a very difficult situation."

Game Notes: If the foul occurs on February 7th, it will be the 27th foul called against the Blue Devils in their basketball history. UNC fan favorite Byron (Colonel) Sanders had a chicken bone removed from his throat yesterday, and is expected to be recovered for the game. Dick Vitale and Mike Patrick will be handling the TV play by play for ESPN. Vitale says he has no idea what he will say when the foul is called against Duke but he has been placed on a prescription sedative as a preventive measure. (Patrick could not be reached for comment, and was last seen entering a tanning salon in Durham with a picture of JJ Redick). A CBS 60 Minutes television crew is planning to attend the game to catch the event on tape for an upcoming expose on the Duke basketball program and how Mike Krzyzewski uses friendships and loyalty to advance his own agenda.

Color me mine

It's no Narnia, but it reveals Narnia's genius even more (i.e. it just doesn't compare, but it probably would have been funny three months ago).

check it out, and then drop your favorite line